Tomorrow I am quitting smoking. Again. It’s turned into a bit of an annual event where I quit smoking this time every year (for the past four years)
I have a real pattern going and there is a small laundry list of things I do to sabotage myself and my quit..
It’s been almost 10 years since I managed to be smoke free for more than two days and I find myself making a lot of deals with myself. It’s absolute insanity.
I’ve been aware of the deals for a few years and I know how harmful I am to myself. It’s like there are three people in my head. The me who is quitting, the little voice who spends all its time convincing me that I’m quitting but the odd cigarette here and there is only normal. This is the me that cheers me on when a pack of smokes lasts three days and tells the quitting me that I’m quitting.
Then there is the omnipotent me who sees all of these interactions and deals that go on and knows the damage but haven’t figured out how to stop it.
So by the time I realize I’m not really quitting smoking I’m actually investing more nicotine than before I started.
However this is the first time where I can feel that smoking is causing me damage. I’m short of breath and my throat and chest hurt all the time.
I’ve made a list of things I can do instead and I’m going into it more aware of my patterns.
I want this to be the last day one that I see.